[ Car Engine Starts ]
[ Engine Revving ]
Am I late?
[ Man ] Right on time.
How's the club?
Fine.
[ Woman ] Will there be anything else?
- You want anything else? - No.
Okay. Don't get too fat.
Goddamn it. The stupid son of a bitch.
Hasn't learned yet.
[ Sighs ]
Cosmo. You leave the cake at the table?
- I just wanted to thank you. - For what?
- It's been seven years. That's a long time. - Ah.
For me and you.
Yeah.
- Can I buy you a drink? - No. No, thanks.
I'm gonna have the coffee and the cake.
[ Man Sighs ]
[ Man Chattering ]
Is it all right?
You know it's all right. It's all there.
You want to count it again?
Nah.
Cosmo, you're a prince.
Now you can go out and work for yourself.
Marty, you're a lowlife.
No offense, but you have no style.
I do business with ya, but you have no style.
Cosmo...
anytime you need some help...
come to me.
I don't ever want to see you again.
Don't push it.
Asshole.
- [ Engine Starts ] - I think there's a bar on the next corner. Uh...
on the right.
[ Chattering ]
[ Woman Laughing ]
Uh, miss, may I have a scotch and water?
-[ Woman ] Tall? - Tall, please.
[ Ballad On Jukebox ]
I've been pointed out by people
My name is mud
I've been dreaming all the dreams
And dancing in the evening
- Singin'in the shower - [ Woman ] Will you get out of here.
But nothing seems
- To take your place - [ Mouthing Words ]
I'm almost in love with you
I nearly miss you
I've hardly seen you
When I do, I get
A feeling that
Something should be
There
- [ Siren Wailing ] - [ Horn Blowing ]
[ Man Cheering, Clapping ]
- Do you mind if I sit down? - Hey, I paid for the cab.
- Yeah. - I got out. What do you want from me?
Come. Let's go.
Come on.
What's your name?
You called me Eddie just a half hour ago. You forgot my name.
- Eddie. - Oy. You had enough. I'm telling you.
- I had enough of you, Eddie. - You forgot my name.
It's been a long day, Eddie.
Yeah, I know the problems you had...
- but I also know you got a family and kids... - How do you know?
so let's blow this snake pit. Come on.
- Come on, lover. - What are you doin'?
Let's play tic-tac-toe. [ Laughing ]
Oh, boy. You know what you are? You're a meshuggenah.
- You a Jew? - Yeah. A little bit.
From where? Where were you born?
- New York. - No kidding.
So are you. Good people come from New York.
What part of New York?
- Every borough. Well, I missed one. - You were born in every borough?
- No. Born- - I never heard of such a thing.
- Born in the greatest street in the world- Mott Street. - Mott - I know Mott Street very well.
- I was born uptown. - [ Mumbles ]
I was born on 29th Street...
- between 1st and 2nd Avenue. - The rich people.
- Nah, nah, that was poor. - The rich people.
- Near Bellevue Hospital. - Anything past Broome Street.
- Know where Bellevue Hospital is? - Oh, yeah.
- The morgue? - Yeah, but at least you had the river.
- The beautiful river. - Ah.
- All you rich people live by the river. - We used to swim in that river when we were kids.
- You're right. - We swam that way.
- The scum. - You remember?
- That's right. - The bags. The scumbags.
[ Laughs ]
- I used to go to the Hudson River. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
But now we're going home.
- Where? - Your house.
There's no river there, Eddie.
[ Tires Screech ]
Hey, padrone. You want me to pay the driver?
Wait. Yo! Eddie!
Thank you. Right.
Nice man.
[ Slow Electric Guitar On Speakers ]
Good evening, boss.
- [ Man ] Sonny. - [ Cosmo ] This place has two speeds- slow and stop.
- Slow tonight, Cosmo. - [ Man ] It's all right. I'll go out and bring them in and fill the joint.
- [ Cosmo ] Where the hell is everybody? - [ Man ] Sonny, give me a drink.
[ Cosmo ] Give me a cigarette.
- Give me a drink. - What do you want, boss?
- Scotch. - Rocks?
- Yeah. - [ Woman Moans On Speakers ]
Where are the girls?
I guess they're in the back.
Oh. Good.
[ Continues ]
[ Woman On Speakers ] Mmm.
[ Woman Vocalizing ]
[ Vocalizing Continues ]
[ Cosmo ] Out. The girls' dressing room. Out.
Customers downstairs. Hello, sweetheart.
- [ Man ] Get downstairs. - Not you, sweetheart.
Tony. Out.
[ Woman ] What? There's nobody- There's- There's nobody down there.
Okay, girls. Come on.
Go ahead.
- [ Cosmo ] Hey, sweetheart. How are ya? - [ Man ] I'll live. Maybe.
- Hello, doll. - Hi, Cosmo. How's it goin'?
[ Sighs ] Hi.
- Hey, Sherry. - Don't mess my makeup.
Still mad at me.
-Just doing a little make up job. - Carol.
Nice to see ya. You're back, huh?
Mm-hmm.
- Well, you don't have to worry. The place is dead. - Oh, not again.
- Again. - [ Woman ] It'll pick up later on.
[ Cosmo ] It'll pick up.
Hey, everything's slow. You know, I talked to, uh, Verna.
- She said Irving's dying. - [ Woman ] Who's Verna?
[ Man ] Irving has been dead for years.
- [ Woman ] Oh, that's not nice. - [ Cosmo ] Irving Lowe?
[ Man ] Rachel, could I have one of, uh, your eyebrow pencils?
-Sure. - [ Cosmo ] It's the times.
- [ Chattering ] - [ Man ] What's the times?
- [ Cosmo ] Everybody's dying. - [ Man ] Well, some people are living. I wouldn't say everybody's dying.
- [ Cosmo ] Teddy. - Yeah?
Uh, I put on the news this morning.
I couldn't sleep.
- Yeah? - These two girls in Memphis, Tennessee.
- Memphis. Yeah. - This is gonna kill ya.
- Well, kill me. - Early this morning, I couldn't sleep -
I don't care if it was early this morning or late this morning.
- Oh, these boots. - Well, this gopher, uh -
- This gopher. - [ Teddy ] There are a couple of kinds of gophers.
Gopher. From a hole! From a hole.
Oh, I thought you meant one that went for coffee like you used to.
- Yeah, right. No, this is a gopher- - [ Chattering ]
[ Woman ] That's terrific. Now this is broken.
- Well, gotta tell ya - - [ Teddy ] Where did this happen, this thing with the gophers?
- Or the gopher. - [ Woman ] Honey, no. No chance.
- I don't know. You know. - [ Teddy ] What are you looking for, Rachel?
[ Woman ] I'm not the only one in this dressing room.
- Rach. - [ Teddy ] Rachel. What are you looking for?
Rach.
I want you to hear this story- all of ya.
- [ Women Together ] We're listening. - [ Teddy ] Listening.
- These two girls caught a gopher... - [ Sherry ] Shit. I broke a nail.
and they took the gopher home, and they cut the tail off.
- Then they cooked the tail, and they ate it... - [ Teddy ] For Christ's sake.
and they died of botulism.
[ Teddy ] Botulism? What do you know from botulism?
- [ Woman ] These mine? - [ Woman #2 ] Yes. The other ones are mine.
- [ Woman #3 ] You're not listening. - [ Teddy ] When did you hear about botulism?
I never laughed so hard in my life. I thought I'd die.
- [ Sherry ] I don't think it's funny. - [ Woman ] It isn't true. He does this all the time.
I swear to God. On my mother's grave.
- [ Rachel ] Cosmo. - They ate -They ate -They ate the tail...
and they died of botulism.
- They died - - [ Sherry ] That's sick.
- Well - - [ Woman ] Making me sick,you know.
[ Teddy ] So, what else is new?
[ Woman ] What else is new?
[ Sherry ] What else is new? What's new is I can't get this on right.
- The market went down. - [ Woman ] What can you do?
[ Teddy ] For a change?
[ Teddy ] Oh, I'd love to get this mustache off.
And, uh, women's fashions are changing. The skirts are gettin' longer.
- [ Woman ] Oh,yeah? - [ Woman #2 ] What do you know about women's fashions?
- [ Chattering ] - [ Teddy ] I look like Salvador Dalì.
- [ Cosmo ] All right. See you in a while. - Okay.
- [ Rachel ] Okay. - See you later, Cosmo.
[ Vehicles Passing ]
- It's all right, Vince. It'll pick up. - [ Mouthing Words ]
- Have a big night. - Okay.
- [ Man ] Hey,your mother's ass! - [ Woman Giggles ]
[ Cosmo ] Any action?
- [ Cosmo ] Are you looking for us, huh? - [ Man ] Yeah.
Come on in. There you go.
- All right. - There you go.
- Come on, ladies. - [ Woman ] Thank you.
There you go. Vince, see that they get seated too, huh?
Take 'em inside. Listen, you drive around the corner, you park in this parking lot, huh?
All right? Okay.
Okay.
- Where's the kid? - [ Vince Speaks, Indistinct ]
Well, where's the kid who parks the cars, Vince?
- I don't know. - Go find him.
- Hey. - Welcome to the Crazy Horse West.
- Thank you. - I'm Cosmo Vittelli. I'm the owner of this place.
- You own this place? - Yeah.
This is the greatest joint in town. I mean, I've been here a million times.
- No kidding. - Are you kid - I brought three carloads of people.
Well, thanks. I'm sorry you brought 'em here on a Sunday night. We're a little slow.
- We don't mind that. - At least we're open.
The rest of the places on the Strip are closed.
Wait a minute. Is Mr. Sophistication here?
- He sure is. - And Rachel and the rest of the girls?
- Yeah. They're here. - This guy does the whole thing.
So help me God, he choreographs it, he stages it, he does -
Ah, don't exaggerate. I do the best I can.
- You got the best joint this side of Vegas. - Thank you.
I mean, I understand what it is on a Sunday night. I'm a club owner myself.
- You are? - Oh, yeah. We got a joint in Santa Monica.
It's not like this. I mean, it's a little different. Gambling, you know.
- Yeah. - But it's clean air, seaside.
Well, uh, I'd like a little action.
Hey, the sky's the limit anytime you want to come out.
Right this way. Uh, Rita, table number one.
[ Cheering On Speakers ]
- That sounds like you. - That's the record. Uh, I recorded that.
I introduce all the acts.
- Go ahead, ladies. - [ Cosmo On Speakers, Indistinct ]
Give them what they want, will ya, huh?
[ Cosmo On Speakers ] Crazy Horse West is proud to present...
- Mr. Sophistication and his De-Lovelies! - [ Chattering ]
[ Cheering On Speakers ]
- [ Recording Ends ] - [ Cosmo ] Got enough chairs?
- Yeah. Sit. Sit. Let's talk. - Uh, what'll it be, Mort?
- Champagne, huh? - For everybody?
- Everybody. - Uh, two - two bottles of Dom Pérignon.
[ Mort ] Look at that. Remember that, huh?
- And bring me a pack of cigarettes. - [ Trumpet Flourish ]
[ Cheering On Speakers ]
[ Cosmo On Speakers ] Crazy Horse West is proud to present...
Mr. Sophistication...
[ Cheering ]
and his De-Lovelies!
Let's give 'em a big hand. Let's give 'em a big welcome.
[ Cheering On Speakers ]
[ Man Whistling ]
[ Woman ] This isn't doing me any good here. I'm all alone.
[ Rhythmic Footsteps Thumping Onstage ]
[ Teddy Sighs ]
[ Laughter ]
- [ Mort ] More. Come on. More. - [ Applause ]
[ Women ] Take it off, take it off, take it off,off,off
Take it off, take it off
[ Cosmo ] You gotta tell me more about this club of yours.
Oh, sure. That's - We got a really wonderful place too.
I mean, it's, uh - It's a place where you can go and play poker...
you know, and, uh, nobody bothers ya.
We're just there to see that nobody cheats.
- I'll have no trouble gettin' in? - [ Mort ] No.
I'm sure you'll like it.
Excellent cuisine, good wine.
And I'll write on here ""Special. Mort.''
And everything's on us. Huh?
I mean, it's - it's nice. You'd like it.
- Everything's for free. - Yeah. Everything.
- Except the gambling. - Right.
As we say- Hey, come on, come on. Pay attention to me.
You know, it won't work up here for-
Well, hard work-
Oh, screw it. I was saying that, uh -
- [ Clapping ] - Well, here she is.
[ Cheering, Clapping ]
[ Teddy ] It's truly exquisite-
Don't shoot me! Don't shoot me! Don't shoot me!
[ Gun Popping ]
[ Teddy ] No. Please. You can't shoot me.
- How can you? I'm a star. - [ Gun Pops ]
- I gotta straighten out a few things. - [ Mort ] Go ahead.
I'll see you later. Enjoy.
- [ Applause ] - [ Gun Popping ]
[ Cosmo On Recording ] Hi, ho, Silver, away!
[ Cheering ]
You were wonderful, Teddy.
Let's hear it for him, ladies and gentlemen - Mr. Sophistication.
- [ Bass Drum Hit ] -[ Audience Is Silent ]
Ladies and gentlemen...
Mr. Sophistication and his De-Lovelies will be along in a moment.
My name is Cosmo Vittelli.
I'm the owner of this joint.
I, uh, choose the numbers...
I direct them, I arrange them.
You have any' uh' complaints' you just come to me' and 'II throw you right out on your as.
Uh, Mr. Sophistication...
wants to assure you that he's intact, ladies and gentlemen.
His gun is firm and intact.
And as a matter of fact, he's about to take you on a sentimental journey...
- to Vienna... - [ Drum Hits ]
where you will attend one of the most glamorous balls...
ever given...
by any king, queen, count or baron.
Mr. Sophistication, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Trumpet Flourish ]
Donnar.
Come on.
[ Teddy ] Many a heart is breaking
Wait for your cue. Wait for your cue.Just a second.
You tell Rachel and Alice...
that we're going out tomorrow night.
We're gonna celebrate. I paid off the joint.
Fine.
- Go ahead. - Oh.
[ Sighs ] I am amazing.
Ah, you're getting slow, Lamarr. Beat you again.
[ Lamarr] Oh, for-Where's your class?
[ Cosmo ] Style, not class.
- May we help you? - Yeah.
- Hey, my name is Cosmo Vittelli. I came to pick up Sherry. - She's inside.
- She's dressing. - She's getting ready.
- Oh, thanks. - Would you like to wait inside?
Yeah, I'll just go in and see if she's ready.
- [ Woman ] All right. - [ Chattering ]
- Sherry. - [ Sherry ] Don't come in here. I'm not dressed yet.
Okay. I won't come in.
- I'll wait right here. - Who are you?
My name's Cosmo.
Well, uh, why don't you wait for Sherry outside?
- Okay. - She'll be ready in just a minute.
- How you doin'? - Hi, big fella.
-[ Woman ] Everything okay? - Fine, thank you. Fine.
- [ Woman #2 ] You're awfully cute. - Well, you're not so bad yourself.
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Ah, here she is.
Hi. You look wonderful.
- Thank you very much. - [ Women ] Have a nice time.
- Thank you very much. Good night. - [ All ] Good night.
Here. Let me put this on you.
Here we go.
Right here, hmm?
Uh, Lamarr, you know how to do this?
Oh, yeah. I know all about this.
- Gonna have a very nice time. - Mmm.
Have some champagne.
- Spill. You're spilling on my shoe. - Oh. Sorry, sweetheart.
- Wait a minute. Hold it. - Okay.
Mmm.
Got all those tiny little bubbles in there.
- Well, drink it. - I don't know. I'm a freak.
I like vodka on the rocks.
- With just a little bit of a twist. - Yeah?
- Gets on your teeth. Real nice. - What else do you like?
- Or a vodka martini straight up. - What else?
Well, I like a lot of things, but -
You're gonna like that. Drink it.
- It's the best. - It's nice. It's dry. What is this?
You haven't even tasted it. Taste it.
Dom Pérignon.
- Oh. - Right. The best.
I'll get used to it.
Mmm.
- It's good. - Mmm.
Should be.
- [ Cosmo ] Get her in the car. - There you go.
- Okay. - How's that look? That looks awfully nice.
Yes, thank you.
[ Lamarr ] All set?
[ Cosmo ] Yeah. Go ahead, for Christ's sake.
Okay.
- [ Engine Starts ] - [ Cosmo ] Lamarr, I thought you were an expert at this.
- Well, I at least got the pin in. - [ Donnar ] Right.
1 347 Serrano. You know where that is?
All right. Let's go. Here, sweetheart.
Don't spill it.
- There you go. - Watch it.
- [ Mumbles ] - Hand me that thing. I smell cigars.
No, it stinks like perfume in here already.
- No. - Give me that.
Come here, you!
-We've got plenty of time. We' l go out bouncing. - [ Rachel] Oh' how lovely.
- We'll go out dancin'. - Look, Mom. A black orchid. It matches my dress.
- Oh, how - - Oh. Thank you.
Thank you, darling.
Oh, I got somethin' for you too.
- Oh. What is this, flowers? - What do you think that is?
It's an orchid.
- Are you ready? - Oh, that's sweet.
- See you soon, Betty. - Thank you.
Thank you. Night-night. Have a nice evening.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Donnar ] Oh, well.
[ Sherry ] I feel like a shill sitting around here doing nothing.
[ Donnar ] Yeah, really. Did you see that guy at that poker table in the back giving me the eye?
- [ Sherry ] I can't take it anymore. - [ Donnar ] Great.
[ Donnar ] Well, we can't stay in here all night. You know what I mean?
All right, you guys. Let's go. Come on. Come on.
Hey. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.Just a minute.
Come on. No one's noticing your face. They're looking at your tits, and they're looking at your ass.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
That's your line, honey, not mine.
I got more to offer than that.
- A lot more. - Yeah, yeah. Okay. Let's go.
- Sure, I do. - Let's go. Let's go.
I'm ready for this. I'm ready.
I'm ready to go.
[ Man ] You bet a dollar, I'll raise you 99.
[ Man #2 ] Yeah.
[ Man #3 ] A pair of jacks, you win.
Hey, uh, where are the chairs?
The girls go to the john, they take away the chairs?
[ Man ] Chair.
- Come on! The girls are standing here. -[ Man ] You gotta wait a minute, Vittelli.
Commodore, chairs.
[ Cosmo ] Yo. [ Claps ]
[ Cosmo ] I'm sorry, boys. Uh-
- [ Cosmo ] I'll start it. -[ Man ] He's got jacks.
[ Cosmo ] Ten dollars.
- [ Man ] Ten dollars. Up to you. Ten dollars. - [ Man #2 ] I'll call 1 0. I'm in.
- [ Man #3 ] I play. - [ Man #1 ] He plays, I pass.
[ Cosmo ] I need more chips.
[ Man #1 ] I pass.
- [ Cosmo ] Hey. - Cost you $50.
Yo. What's your name?
- Vic. - Yeah, will you tell the commodore to come over here, please?
- [ Vic ] Sure. - [ Man ] Cost you $50 if you care to play.
Cost you $50.
He raised you $50. He did.
$50. I'm in.
[ Man #2 ] I'm in.
[ Man #3 ] Fifty and 400.
[ Man 1 ] He raised it 400. 400 to you if you care to play.
- Costs $800. - [ Cosmo ] No, no, no. Wait a minute.
- 450 it costs me. -[ Man #1 ] No, no, no.
He was in for the original $50. Fifty-dollar bet. He called, and then he jacked it up over there.
- [ Cosmo ] Oh, that's right. Uh, listen, uh- - Plus $400.
I'm gonna need more credit.
I'm sorry, Mr. Vittelli. No more credit.
- Cost you $800. - [ Cosmo ] I know it costs 800!
Wait a minute, will ya? What are you trying to do, embarrass me?
[ Man #4 ] I'm sorry. No.
- Well, can I have the credit, or can't I? - I'm sorry. There's no more.
Well, then let me see Mr. Weil. Go get him, will ya?
[ Cosmo ] The man said I could have unlimited credit.
Unlimited credit? I never heard of such a thing. What do you mean, ""unlimited credit''?
[ All Laughing ]
Well, then, cash a check. I'll cash a check for $2,000.
- No way. - You got my checkbook?
No way, Mr. Vittelli. I can't cash a check.
I got it right here.
What are you telling me you can't cash my check?
Man, I'm telling ya I can't cash a check. It means my ass if I do.
Well, how about credit cards? I got gold credit cards, silver credit cards...
orange credit cards, green credit cards!
- Is that all right? - All right. With credit cards I'll take a check. All right?
[ Man ] What does it say on your watch?
Ah. What's the name of this place?
- The Ship - Ship - - Ship Ahoy. Ship Ahoy.
- [ Chips Rattling ] - Darling, don't do that. It irritates me, will ya?
It's all right. It's only money.
This entourage of biscuits follow you wherever you go?
[ Mort ] Ah, Mr. Vittelli. Gentlemen, this is Cosmo Vittelli.
- Care for a drink? - Uh, no, thanks.
May I see your credit cards, please?
And your driver's license?
Uh, it's there.
Excuse me, Mort.
Who gave this gentleman credit?
Mr. Vittelli...
do you plan to pay your debt by check?
Well, I don't usually carry that kind of money in my bank.
You know, all the money I make...
I put back into the business.
And it's paying off handsomely.
Now, look, I intend to pay.
I'm not one of those guys who consider a gambling debt just a piece of paper.
[ Man ] I'm sure.
And, uh, as you'll see there, uh...
there's a - there's a...
triple-A credit rating.
Oh, yeah. There's a gold gas card.
Uh, why don't we have that drink, girls?
I - I'd, uh - I'd be willing to pay for it. A round for everybody.
No, no, no. Ladies, excuse me. I'm sorry.
Please be seated. Just make yourselves comfortable.
$23,000 is a lot of money.
- Eddie, uh, let me have a Form 223 and a Form 1 7. - All right. Okay.
And a pen. No, no, no. You've got two Form 1 7 s.
- [ Eddie ] Oh, I'm sorry. - Can I have a pen?
Yes. I'll get one to you in just a minute.
All right.
- And that's 1 7. - And a pen.
Thank you.
Okay. Mr. Vittelli, right here, please.
Okay. And here.
Okay. Again right here.
Very good. Great.
Thank you very much. I'm sorry about all this...
but you're welcome back anytime.
- Thank you. - Ladies, please come again.
- Good day. - See ya, champ.
Thanks.
[ Mouthing Words ]
Well, does this mean we all look for a new job?
Are you gonna start a cutback or what?
You know, the only reason I ask, Cosmo, is because I'm only 5'2''...
and that's a couple inches under the limit.
I just don't know too many places who'd hire me.
You know what I mean?
Oh, my orchid. Where's my orchid?
- Oh. - Here.
- Thank you. - Get a good night's sleep.
- Good day's sleep. - [ Rachel ] See you.
Thank you. Good night.
Good morning.
- Thank you. - Why don't I walk you to your door?
Yes, please. Thank you.
So, what are we gonna do?
It's all paper.
- Certainly has been a depressing evening all the way around, hasn't it? - Yes.
Be right back.
Aren't you gonna come in?
I feel sexual.
I don't know what the hell I feel.
[ Sighs ]
I think the thing to do is to get some cash and go back down there.
- Want me to come with you? - Nah.
All right.
- Let's go to the club. - Okay.
Thank you, Lamarr.
Thank you.
All dressed up and no place to go?
- I'll have a coffee. - How you doin' over there?
- Okay. - You gonna let me audition for you?
You don't wanna do that. Get me the coffee, will ya?
Nice and hot. You want me to fix it for you?
You've got a good body.
And I can dance too.
- How old are you? - I've been there.
- No. - You going back to the place?
- Yeah. - You want me to audition for you?
I can get Abe to sit in for me.
There's not much of a turnover at this hour of the morning.
Let me close this door.
Find the switch here. Damn thing never works.
- Do you have a dressing room? - Ah, there it is.
- I need a costume. - Yeah, wait a second.
Follow me.
There's costumes over here.
This batch. Try on anything.
I'm okay now. Thanks. Do you have any music?
Yeah, we got music.
- [ Switch Clicking ] - [ Song Starting, Stopping ]
[ Pop Ballad ]
Rainy fields of frost and magic
Morning dew
In late afternoon
Alone I sit
For a moment
Lost in thought from when all the moon
[ Vocalizes ]
And the twilight skies
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Bring silent cries
[ Ringing Continues ]
And tonight's moonrise
Fills my eyes
I think I'll step inside to build a fire
Hang up my coat and clothes
Mmm, loving all change
Winter desire
[ Vocalizing ]
To be one with the lady I love
[ Vocalizes ]
And the amber light
From the cabin side
That's very good. Uh, you took, uh -What, ballet?
- Yes. - Hey, what is that jump called?
A tour jeté?
- Do that again. - An understanding that we share
Okay,just walk up and down, will ya, so I can take a look at ya.
No, you don't have to jump anymore, sweetheart.Just walk up and down.
[ Vocalizes ]
And still knowing this
We really care
And when the time is right
Oh, it's almost mine
So completely like
A wanton night
- Hey. - Rainy fields of frost
- Come on over. - And magic
Flowin' through a thought
That I just had
[ Bag Rustling ]
[ Banging, Rattling ]
Oh! Cut it out, will ya?
You stop it. Cut it out!
Goddamn it! Will you stop!
Cool it! Cut it out!
Just auditioning a girl, for Christ's sake!
Cut it out now!
Goddamn it!
Will you stop! What's the matter with you?
- [ Vocalizing ] - [ Fades ]
[ Piano Ballad ]
[ Cosmo ] Son of a bitch!
Open your mouth.
Here it comes. Open your mouth.
As you live
So do I live
As you walk
- Now come on. - So do I smile
As you are
Ah, this is bullshit.
[ Cosmo Sighs ]
Who
Who but you
I'm a club owner.
Could know
- I deal in girls. - You're someone to me
[ Audience Applauding, Cheering ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Man ] Yeah!
The owl and the pussycat went to sea...
in a beautiful...
pea-green boat.
[ Audience Laughing ]
Um -
Said the owl to the pussycat...
""Come with me to the Crazy Horse West...
and Mr. Fascination will take us to gay "Pa-ree."
- [ Cheering ] - [ Trumpet Flourish ]
[ Applause ]
Paris.
Parigi to those of you who are multilingual.
Let's not take a jet or an ocean liner.
But using your imaginations...
and with our humble efforts onstage here...
let's transport ourselves...
to that city on the Seine 9,000 miles away.
The City of Light, La Ville Lumière...
Paris.
[ Cheering, Applause ]
[ Trumpet ]
Hurry it up. Hurry it up, girls.
Let's get the show on the road.
[ Applause, Cheering ]
There you are.
I can't give you
- Anything but love - [ Man ] Take it off.
- Baby - [ Whistle Blows ]
Ooh. Excuse me, sir...
but I'm new here.
She certainly is.
Please, I have no money, no place to eat, no place to sleep.
Well, this must be the place.
[ Audience ] Whoo! Whoo!
Beep, beep!
- Beep, beep! Beep, beep! - That's the only thing
I've plenty of
Baby
Dream awhile
Scheme awhile
- [ Man ] Take it off. - [ Audience ] Whoo! Whoo!
You're sure to find
Happiness
And I guess
- All the things - [ Man ] Oh, yeah!
You've always pined for
[ Cheering ] Whoo!
[ Man Whistles ]
Mademoiselle, uh...
does this brute - this beast bite?
Pardon?
Your dog, baby. Does, uh, this bow wow...
bite?
- No, he won't. - So, what does he do?
You comb her...
-you wash her... - And him?
-you feed her. - [ Audience ] Whoo!
That you do to a dog?
[ Whistle Blows ]
[ Audience Cheering, Applauding ]
Gee, I'd like to see
You lookin' swell
Baby
Diamond bracelets Woolworth's
Doesn't sell
- Baby - [ Audience Shouts ]
Till that lucky day
You know damn well
- [ Man ] Yeah! - [ Man #2 ] Whoo!
Well.
Uh, excusez-moi, mademoiselle...
um, etes-vous Française?
Oui, oui.
Her face is -
- Ooh! - Her face is familiar.
Qui est là?
- Qui est who? - Qui est là?
- Qui est who? - Qui est you, baby.
- Ah, merde. - [ Audience Chuckling ]
I can't give you anything but
Nothing in this great big world but
I can't give you autre chose
But love Sweet love
Sweet love
I can't give you anything
But love
- Boop, boop, be-doop - [ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Cheering, Applause ]
- [ Teddy ] Now I would- - [ Woman Speaking, Indistinct ]
[ Man ] Turn us on, babes.
- They go wild - [ Woman ] Oh, not again.
Simply wild
- Over me - [ Loud Cheers ]
When I'm wild
When I'm mild
- Still wild over me - [ Women ] I can't give you anything but love
When a lady asks for more
- More, will you? Give me it. More, more. - Oh, shut up.
- Look what you have here. - They go wild, simply wild
- They go wild, very wild - [ Loud Cheers ]
- Over me - [ Whistle Blows ]
Come on, baby. I'm going to take you home.
- [ Loud Cheers ] - I think I-
We're going to smoke it.
- Huh? - Do you like to eat it instead?
- [ Audience ] Whoo! - [ Whistle Blows ]
Did you hear what she said?
[ Laughter ]
- Come on, baby. - Listen, there's a cop.
[ Whistle Blowing ]
[ Teddy ] You see, ladies and gentlemen...
there are now laws against such things in Paris.
- It is not the Paris of old. - [ Audience Shouting ]
Or is it?
[ Whistle Blowing ]
Give you anything but love
Love, love Sweet love
Love, love, love Sweet love
I can't give you anything
But love
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Mort ] Hey, fella, you got a doorman?
- Yes, sir. Uh- - Get him, will ya?
- But you can't park here. We have a parking lot. - Right.
- You'll get a ticket. - Okay.
- If you don't mind, I'll park it for you. - Cosmo Vittelli inside?
- Yes, sir. - Get him, will ya, fella?
- Sure. - Thank you.
Found us a valuable spot.
Uh, Mr. Vittelli, there's some gentlemen outside for you.
- [ Vince ] Hey, go learn some manners. Get going. - Yes, sir.
[ Man Whistling ]
Be right back, Sonny.
[ Men Chattering ]
Oh.
Hey, Cosmo.
That's good. [ Mumbles ]
You know my friends, the Santa Monica gentlemen.
John, Eddie, Phil.
Mort.
- [ Chattering ] - [ Mort ] Cosmo.
Yeah. Cosmo.
Vince, wait inside.
If there's any trouble, I'll be inside.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. - [ Horn Honking ]
[ Eddie ] You've got a nice spot here, Mr. Vittelli.
Who do I talk to?
- [ Man ] You talk to all of us. - At once.
- How are ya? - I'm fine, thanks.
Just wanted to drop by and say hi...
see how you were feeling.
Those, uh, Fu Manchu mustaches.
And, uh, they're very uptight, you know.
They're very resentful because they don't know whether they're Chinese-American...
or American-Chinese, you know.
His name is Ling.
Well, what does he do?
Well, he's a bookie.
- A Chinese bookie. - Ah.
[ Phil ] See, what we need you for is this. We got this little problem...
and you can help us out.
- And that's what we're talking about, see? Some - - Listen. Wait a minute.
[ Chuckles ] I think I understand.
I'm not dumb, but I -
- I'm not a fool. - Did you call him a fool, Mort?
Did I call you a fool? Nobody called you a fool.
- That's good. - Be smart, Cosmo.
This guy owes us money.
He's gotta pay.
I want to reduce the debt, but not get rid of it.
[ Phil ] So, you want to reduce the debt but not get rid of it. Is that right?
That's it. Yeah.
How much?
Uh, boys, uh, look-
[ Eddie ] Mr. Vittelli...
the flrst rule of a good businessman is to know what you're talking about.
Now, Mr. Vittelli, what are you talkin'about?
Wait a minute, fellas.
- We're goin' too fast. - [ Phil ] We're goin'too fast.
[ Man ] Yeah. Fast.
[ Chattering ]
Hey, Rach.
I'm hot.
It's hot down here.
[ Chattering ]
I'm not hungry. Give me some, uh...
Coca-Cola.
Let's do somethin'.
What do you want to do?
- Want to go to a movie? - Let's go to a movie.
- A Chinese movie? - Chinese movie. Why not?
Get out of this heat, get in some air-conditioning, huh?
- [ Cosmo ] All right. Enough. We've seen three pictures. - [ Blows Landing, Yelling ]
- Ah, here it is. Here it is. - Where's my purse?
[ Cosmo ] I got it.
[ Blows Landing, Yelling ]
Here we go. Come on. Let's go, girls. Here we go.
-Jesus Christ. It's night. Here. Here's your hat. - Oh.
Lamarr, why didn't you come in and get us?
- Didn't want to disturb you. - What time is it?
- It's late. - Of course it's late!
The show, for Christ's sake. Let's get in here. Come on, girls.
Come on.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go, for Christ's sake!
Let's go.
[ Rachel Giggles ] Hey. You're gonna make me-
Come on.
-[ Teddy Singing ] -[ Cosmo ] Quiet. Quiet.
- Many a heart is - Hold it.
- Breaking - [ Imitates Heartbeat ]
If you could read them all
- What the hell kind of number is that? - Many the hopes
- That have vanished - ""After the Ball Is Over.'' The ball is just beginning.
- Go on and get dressed. I never want to see that song in the show again. - After the ball
It's a strip joint. Nobody takes their clothes off, for Christ's sakes.
- [ Woman ] After de ball is over - [ Woman #2 ] Take it away, Fifi
This show is going so bad maybe I should take all my clothes off.
[ Cheering, Whistling ]
Cosmo.
- Hey, Mort. How are ya? - Ah.
Didn't find him, did ya?
Nah. I didn't want to find him.
- I don't understand. - [ Women Hollering ]
I don't want to reduce the debt.
- You don't? - No.
Well, what do you want to do?
Well, I owe you money, I'll pay ya.
- Step outside. - I'm busy. I'll see you in a few minutes.
Please, do yourself a favor.
I mean, you know I like you.
Do yourself a favor and step outside.
Okay, Mort.
[ Applause ]
[ Horns Honking ]
[ Groans ]
Okay. Okay.
I get the message.
Beautiful- [ Italian Word ]
Beautiful.
Now- Baccio la mano.
Now we have a relationship.
Now we can talk.
Sure.
Mi, what a wonderful - [ Italian Word ]
[ Italian ]
Che bello.
[ Phil ] Well?
[ Patting Leg ]
[ Phil ] Give it to him.
[ Glove Compartment Opens ]
You know how to load it?
[John ] Check the bullets, Flo. Don't forget the bullets.
[ Phil ] Put that safety on.
Yeah. That's right.
[ Humming ]
[ Phil ] Oh, we, uh, borrowed a car. It's parked behind us.
That's what you'll use.
- [ Glove Compartment Closes ] - Yeah.
It's, uh, real hot.
There won't be an alert out for an hour or two.
[ Mort ] Take a look at it so you know what you're driving.
It's automatic.
It's run on a wire, so don't stall it. There's no key.
Cosmo.
You see this?
You know where the Laurel Ventura Freeway is?
- Yeah. - You go over Laurel.
Two blocks on the other side of the Valley, past Ventura Boulevard.
Stay to your right. Under the bridge, you get on.
Stay to your right on the freeway to get to the Hollywood.
You take that straight until you come to a three-prong freeway.
It's on the map. Take a look at it.
It's where one freeway becomes three freeways.
The Pasadena, the Santa Ana and the Harbor.
You take the Pasadena on your left.
Stay on that till you get to Rossmore.
Get off at the Rossmore exit. Go east till you come to Philbin.
It's on the map.
Park the car, walk seven blocks.
Wulton and Gray. It's all marked.
Here's the book.
The steps are in there, numbered. [ Clears Throat ]
Police car came by, but it - they kept right on goin'.
[ Phil ] Here's the key.
Now, we got it from the locksmith who put the Chinaman's locks in.
We know it works.
[ Mort ] For the back stairs only, Cosmo.
And you gotta stop off at a joint and buy some beef.
Got three dogs.
[John ] You could buy 1 2 hamburgers.
[ Mort ] Don't put mustard on 'em either.
[John ] And no pickle or they- or ketchup.
And don't put any onions on 'em.
[ Phil ] Yeah,yeah.
We've been told- good information- that, uh...
Benny Wu goes to bed about 9..00.
- Oh. - I think that you should-
[ Cosmo ] Wait a minute. I thought the guy's name was Harold Ling.
- [ Phil ] Well, what we mean is- - [John ] The man goes to bed- The man retires at 9..00.
[ Phil ] Yeah. Yeah. That's, uh- That's what I meant.
Anyway, we've checked this thing out.
He's an old man. He sleeps alone.
There's an A-frame house in front of the big place.
Got a lot of guards living there.
- [ Cosmo ] The guards live in the A-frame? - Right.
[ Flo ] Yeah. There's always somebody wandering.
Sometimes two outside.
They're quick... and quiet.
[John ] And there are lights, and there are trip wires, aren't there?
[ Mort ] Only in the front of the driveway.
- In the front of the driveway. - [John ] Take a taxicab back.
[ Phil ] Wipe the gun clean and throw it away. It can't be traced.
[ Mort ] Use the light.
Study the map. Check the book. The steps are marked.
That's your bible.
- [John ] Eddie, do you have the papers? - Yeah.
Give him the markers. Let him examine the markers.
Mr. Vittelli...
you want to check these?
That's the original copy.
[John ] You owed us $23,000.
That was our receipt.
[ Phil ] You can tear it up if you want to.
Go ahead.
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Engine Revs ]
[ Mort ] Hey.
[ Phil ] No traffic violations.
[ Phil Chuckles ]
- [ Loud Bang ] - [ Tires Squeal ]
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Tires Squealing ]
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Trunk Rattling ]
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Dog Barking ]
Yeah. Yellow Cab, uh...
I'm at the corner of, uh, Genesee and Pitts.
Uh, well, it's the, uh, Economy Self-Serve.
Well, it's the Economy Self-Serve.
My name is, uh, Ted Byron.
Uh, well, I'll be right here.
Right. I'm not goin' anywhere.
Sonny. How's it goin'?
Well, who's onstage?
Margo and Sherry?
Why are only two girls onstage? Where's Teddy?
He, uh,just came on.
All right. Well, what's he singin'?
What song is he singin', Sonny?
But how can that be - Sonny.
How can that be the song with only two girls onstage?
Uh - Sonny.
Who's this?
Vince. Vince, I can't understand Sonny. Wh-Wh -Who's onstage now?
The -The -The, uh - The -The short girl.
Margo Donnar, right? And the tall girl.
Right. Sherry. Yeah.
And, uh -What -What number is it?
Is it the Paris number?
The Paris number! For Christ's sake, you've been at the place seven years...
you don't know what the Paris number is?
Well, are there signs on the wall? P-A-R-
The Paris number.
Are there letters on the wall that say P-A-R-
There's another card that says ""moon.''
Well, what's he singing?
Is it ""I Can't Give You Anything but Love, Baby''?
I can't give you
Anything but love
Baby
[ Tires Screech ]
I'm the one who called ya.
- Where you goin', pal? - Downtown.
- I mean, where downtown? This is a pretty big city. - I'll tell you when we get there.
Look, mister, I don't like to take anybody in the cab that doesn't know where he's goin'.
Well, I know where I'm goin'. I, uh,just don't know the address.
- All right. You call it out when we get down there. - Yeah, okay.
[ Woman ] Sure. Fine. Fine.
[ Pinball Machine Rattling, Dinging ]
- You wanted 1 2 hamburgers to go, right? - That's right.
- Well-done, right? - That's right.
- I even had them individually wrapped for you. - No, no. No, that's wrong.
- You didn't want 'em individually wrapped? - No. I - I -
I don't want 'em wrapped. I want 'em all together.
My wife hates waste. Uh, paper comes from trees.
She hates that. She can't even throw the garbage out.
-Just do what I tell you, will you? - But -
- I want 'em all together. - But you can't put 1 2 hamburgers in a brown paper bag.
- I mean, you're gonna ruin it. - That's the way I want it.
Okay. Your hamburgers.
Her husband died last year. You know,you get angry.
Get lonely.
Sometimes it always goes like that, don't it?
Yeah.
I know. Believe me, I know.
I lost my own wife three years ago this fall.
May she rest in peace.
Oh.
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
Hey, look, man. I'm really sorry. I -
I thought maybe you were lonely. I thought maybe you had a problem.
- I didn't really mean anything. - It's all right.
[ Man ] Sue. Sue, listen. Listen. It's all right.
I told him. You didn't mean anything. I told him.
Hamburgers!
- Hey, you got a cigarette? - Yeah.
All right. Thanks.
[ Dog Sniffs ]
[ Man Speaking Korean ]
[ Korean ]
[ Woman And Man Speaking Korean ]
[ Child ] Whee!
[ Chattering In Korean ]
[ Click, Soft Rattle ]
[ Clock Ticking ]
[ Man Speaking, Indistinct ]
[ Man Speaking Chinese ]
[ Chinese ]
[ Water Sloshes, Whooshes ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Man Whistling ]
[ Water Sloshes ]
[ Whistling ]
I'm real bad.
- [ Cocks Gun ] - Real bad.
I'm so sorry.
[ Water Sloshes ]
[ Dog Barks In Distance ]
[ Footsteps Approaching ]
[ Door Opens ]
[ Dog Barking ]
[ Man ] Go check it out.
- [ Man ] Halt! - [ Gunshot ]
Goddamn it!
- Come on, dudes. - Man, I ain't goin' up there.
Come on.
Damn, Eddie. Get that dog.
- [ Gunshot ] - Let's go.
[ Vehicle Approaching ]
[ Coins Jingle ]
Taxi!
Go straight. Then I'll tell you where to go.
- [ Cosmo ] What is that, a movie house there? - [ Man ] Yeah. Right.
Yeah, well, uh, I feel like a movie. Stop here, will ya?
Okay.
- This all right here? - Yeah.
- There you go. - Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.
You on duty?
[ Groans ]
[ Groaning ]
Oh!
Oh,Jesus Christ.
[ Breathing Heavily ]
What happened?
Oh, my God.
Mom, you gotta call me a cab.
- No. - I have to get to the club.
No, you stay home. Mom'll take care of you.
A Peruvian. A Peruvian, uh...
shepherd named Bruno said, ""This about love I do know.
[ Woman ] Thank you. Mine was-
"A woman is fine, a sheep is divine...
but a llama is numero uno."
[ Woman Chuckles ]
- [ Mort ] Marty, how are ya? - [ Marty ] Hi, Mort.
[ Mort ] Good to-Jesus Christ. Good to see ya.
- [ Marty ] Having a party? - Yeah. A little celebration. Some friends in from New York.
Clare Benoit, Mickey, uh, Noeaux and Mike.
- Clare Benoit? - [ Man ] Yeah.
- This is Ingrid. - [ Clare ] Pull up a chair.
Please. And Alvinia I'm sure you remember.
Hi.
Listen, Mort, I just heard on the radio that something happened down there at the Chinaman's.
Sounded like a real bloodbath - people hollering and screaming all over the place.
- [ Clare ] Oh, my God. - [ Mort ] What happened?
I don't know. I didn't hear all the details. They had a reporter doing an on-the-spot number.
[ Clare ] Was it a tong war?
I don't know, but the way he said it, there was about 25 squad cars there.
There was some asshole that went up and just started shooting. Kids too.
[ Clare ] Who's the Chinaman, Mort?
Uh, downtown - a guy in import-export.
- Did you know him? - Yeah.
Yeah, uh - Do you want a drink?
Well, I'm sure you'll excuse me.
- I have to meet someone over there. - Well, come back, okay?
Nice seeing ya. Sorry about -you know.
- That's okay. - But come back, okay?
Good night, Alvinia.
[ Clare ] What's the matter? Don't you like him?
- Oh, he's sweet. - [ Clare ] He's a nice guy. He's a nice-lookin' guy.
- [ Clare ] Is he a nice guy? - [ Alvinia ] Mmm.
Notice how upset he was about that Chinese massacre?
[ Alvinia ] Mmm.
- Will you excuse me, please? I have to freshen up. - [ Clare ] Sure.
[ Sighs ]
[ Clare ] How long were you and Mort married?
- Listen - - [ Alvinia ] I really don't remember.
- [ Whispering ] - [ Clare ] You don't remember?
You were married to him, and you don't remember how long?
- Don't worry about it. - [ Alvinia ] No.
So I gotta put up a chimney to carry the smoke out.
Why can't the smoke go in the house? Hi, Mort.
Flo, I gotta talk to you - alone.
Screw. Have yourself a whistle.
You, take off with him. Get her ready.
[ Blows ]
- I'll be with you in a while. - Guess what. I got a message from Marty.
- You see Marty? - I'm always looking at Marty.
- Say hello to Marty. - Greatest guy in the world.
- You know what he told me? - There he is.
- That's him. - The two-finger salute.
- It's all right, Marty. - You know what he just told me? Stopped by the table.
- Yeah, what'd he tell ya? - He said the Chinaman is dead.
The Chin -
I thought you'd be happy. Now I'll give you something to cry about.
You gotta go get Vittelli and kill him.
[ Laughing ]
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Applause, Whistling ]
[ Teddy ] Good evening.
Bonsoir.
Well, I see that the booze is plentiful tonight...
which is good...
because it's good for the house, and what is good for the house is ultimately good for yours truly.
Now I shall... mesmerize you-all of you.
- Hypnotize you. - How's it goin', Sonny?
- Busy. - And make you use your imaginations...
to take you on another trip...
to another day...
to another dream...
another dollar.
Imagination.
Imagination
Is funny
It makes a cloudy day
Sunny
Makes the bees
Think of honey
- Just as I - [ Man Whistling ]
- Think of you - [ Wolf Whistle ]
Imagination
Is crazy
Your whole perspective
Gets hazy
Starts you asking a daisy
What to do
- [ Applause ] - Have you ever felt
A gentle touch
And then a kiss
And then
And then find it's only
Your imagination again
- Oh, well - [ Applause ]
Imagination
Is silly
- You go around - [ Applause ]
Willy-nilly
For example
I go around
Wanting you
[ Man ] Take it off now.
And yet
- [ Applause ] - I can't
Imagine
Fabulous place.
- Thanks. - For times delizioso.
Good girls.
Just like home. I've been waiting a long time.
I've been playing games. Do you know Match One?
- Five, four, three, two, one. - Yeah.
- Do you play? - Well, not now.
Got a little problem here.
[ Teddy Continues Singing ]
You know...
I gotta meet some friends at 1 1 :00.
Maybe you should, like, come along.
We're all fairly interested in your experience.
Well, I'll tell you about it, you can tell them, because, uh...
I don't feel too hot.
[ Flo ] No one could have pulled that off. I know myself.
- Ten years ago I shoot some Mexican- - [ Cosmo ] Hey.
- [ Rachel ] How you doin'? - I'm gonna buy you a diamond ring.
You're kidding. Ooh.
- [ Cosmo ] You love me? - You know I do.
- [ Cosmo ] Say you love me. - I love you. I gotta get back.
And then
And then find it's only your imagination
[ Flo ] I don't want to keep my friends waiting any longer.
Again
Over again
Imagination
[ Horn Honking ]
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Door Closes ]
You're a hell of a nice guy.
I never believed I could tell that to anyone.
It's too bad I wasn't nice.
Where are your friends?
Anybody home?
Ah, that jerk Karl Marx said opium was the...
religion of the people.
I got news for him. It's money.
Money. That's -Jesus Christ.
My father was right.
Although my father put it another way. You know, capisce?
He says - Mio padre...
mi ha detto...
"Hai fatto...
una bella cacata."
Yeah. It's a great enjoyment, a good crap.
You know what's wrong with the world, Cosmo?
Including me and everybody else that might be here.
The whole world needs to fart at the same time.
There's nothing wrong with you, Cosmo. Money. Money.
My father was a nice guy. You should have met my father.
He could listen to me like you could.
That's why I like you.
There's not many people that can listen like my father.
- You cry when your father died? - Ah.
He promised me one thing. He said, "Hey-'"
[ Pats Chest ] "Don't let 'em bury me. '"
Didn't like the electric company, the gas company, the water company.
Why don't you do yourself a favor and get out of here?
Huh? You're an amateur.
Take a walk.
[ Engine Starts ]
Where are you going?
That's my friend in there. Take care of him.
He's your problem.
Say hello to everybody and give them my love.
[ Makes Buzzing Sound ]
""Za,'' play ball.
Asshole.
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Mort ] Vittelli.
Cosmo?
"Cosimodo'"? It's Mort.
[ Horn Honks ]
- Cosmo. - [ Horn Honks ]
Hey, Cosmo.
Sorry about that.
In fact, I'm sorry about the whole thing, Cosmo, but, uh...
it couldn't be helped, you know.
I mean, that's why we're here to talk about it.
It just happened to be you. I like you.
I personally like ya. I felt it when I met you. It was instincts,ya know.
I just know the whole mess is on the news.
I don't know if they know who you are.
I don't know if they know you're connected with us or not.
But we can get you out of town for a while.
We'll take care of the joint for you.
You come back in,you run the joint just the way you wanna.
It's your place. Fire the acts, hire 'em.
Stage it. Whatever you wanna do.
You've got some kind of guts, man.
You know who that was?
You know who the Chinaman was?
He was the heaviest cat on the West Coast, Cosmo.
You did what we couldn't do.
I mean,you knew you were set up, didn't you?
I mean, it was a plan, and, uh, I was part of it, but, uh-
I like myself, you know. I mean...
I believe you could kill me right now, and if that's what you want to do...
then, uh, go ahead...
but you've got enough heat on you already, and we can help you.
[ Mort ] Hey, Phil.
[ Door Slam Echoes ]
- [ Indistinct ] - [ Guns Cocking ]
Dago!
I'm gonna kill you!
[ Breathing Heavily ]
Whew.
[ Grunts ]
[ Door Slams Loudly ]
[ Breathing Heavily ]
[ Thuds ]
Hey, champ!
I think it's about time to make a deal.
Answer me, ya son of a bitch!
[ Gunshots ]
Vittelli?
Vittelli!
[ Man On Radio ] The Dow Jones industrial average went up-
Because I had to call her at the club...
and tell her there was a accident.
He was hurt.
[ Man On Radio, Indistinct ]
Could you come over a few minutes -
[ Man On Radio ] And now the world at a glance. California congressman-
Because I don't know if he's coming home.
I don't know if you know a doctor or whatever.
I said I don't know if he's coming home.
Mom, would you get off the telephone.
[ Man On Radio ] Lashes out at the general assembly.
He - He might try and call. And if he calls and the line is busy, he won't call back again.
- Mama, get off the darn telephone. - I don't know if he's coming home or not.
- Who you talking to anyway? - Your brother.
Mama.
[ Man On Radio ] Previously owned by Gulf Oil and British Petroleum.
- This makes the way for the first Arab country... - [ Rachel ] Good evening.
to receive 100% ownership of this reduced company.
Bologna, Italy. Ernesto Maserati...
former top racing driver and founder of the Maserati automobile company...
died today at the age of 77.
Tel Aviv. The Israeli defense minister plans to ask the U.S....
to speed shipment of F-15 fighter planes.
Why isn't your daughter at work?
[ Rachel ] Are you serious?
I mean, there's a show goin' on.
She's my girlfriend, but she also works for me.
[ Rachel ] Are you really serious?
[ Cosmo ] I mean, people are struggling to keep the show alive.
Oh, by the way, I feel wonderful.
I mean, in case you were wondering whether I was dying.
[ Rachel ] We were a little bit curious,yes.
Never felt better in my life.
[ Betty ] Could I have a talk with you a moment, please?
- Oh, sure. - [ Rachel ] What's happening?
Will somebody please tell me what's goin' on.
Don't worry, Rach. I got a lot of insurance.
- I'm serious. What's go - - I gotta go talk to your mother. Shh.
Could we please have a talk?
[ Clears Throat ]
Well, now.
I don't know what to think.
I mean, uh -
[ Sighs ] Ah.
I'm not feeling well, to tell you the truth.
I mean, it's not, uh - [ Chuckles ]
My stomach is upset, and I need some, uh -
some, uh -
I don't know what I need.
I don't know.
But, uh...
I, uh, didn't expect that. I didn't expect a double cross.
You're a funny lady, Betty.
My mother was very funny, had a great sense of humor.
Yeah, that's right.
She was so funny, she ran off with this big, fat butcher.
I don't know where she is.
Uh, but, uh -
Uh -
You're terrific.
You're wonderful.
You know any butchers?
- No. I didn't run off with no bu- - Oh, no, you didn't -
And I don't give a shit about a... butcher.
That's right. Well, that's what she did.
And my father was, uh-
I don't give a damn about your father.
That's right. Yeah, well, he was a-he was a moron.
- I don't care. - Well, I care!
- Well, I don't! - Well, I do!
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
I don't know what to do with my hands. I swear to God.
How long's that coffee been there? [ Laughing ]
[ Sighs ]
Cosmo, I think what happened...
was wrong.
And you won't go to the doctor...
because you think you're gonna live...
with the bullet in you.
And I don't want you in my house no more.
Because I'm not strong enough for you.
Okay, babe.
Listen.
I wish you luck in whatever you endeavor.
And I gotta go because there are no rivers here.
Uh -
- I still love you. - Yeah.
- But you can't stay here no more. - Absolutely.
Because I don't know what's wrong, and I don't know what happened, and I don't want to know.
- I know. - And I don't want to know -
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
- Pay the guy. - Yes, sir.
- [ Audience Clapping Rhythmically ] - And there's never anyone around
To hear it
Never anyone around
To hear it
The first star
Out tonight I'm safe tonight
- I'll warm your hands and make you smile - [ Whistling ]
Ooh, ooh
Ahh, ahh
Ooh
[ Rhythmic Clapping Continues ]
[ Man ] Come on!
[ Cosmo ] Hey.
- [ Margo ] Hi, Cosmo. - Hi, Margo Donnar.
[ Cosmo Chuckles ] Hello, Sherry.
- Hi, Cosmo. - How are ya?
[ Clapping Continues ]
Hello, big guy.
[ Cosmo ] Well, what's goin' on here, huh?
- Waitin' to start the show. - [ Cosmo ] Nobody wants their check this week?
- Yeah. - I do.
- You want your check, don't ya? - Yes.
Let's get our asses downstairs. We got people.
So, let's go. What's the problem?
Where's Rachel?
[ Margo ] Yeah, is Rachel sick?
[ Cosmo ] Yeah, she's not feeling too good. She has the flu.
- And she has another job. - [ Margo ] Oh, really?
- Bigger and better things. - [ Woman ] Yeah, where is she?
- [ Woman ] Oh. - [ Cosmo ] Got a new job.
- [ Woman ] Bigger and better things, huh? - She's got the flu.
- And she's depressed. - [ Woman ] Mm-hmm.
Just like you guys. What is this depression?
- Huh? - [ Teddy ] There's a problem-
- Come on. I know there's a problem. - There's just a misunderstanding, Cosmo.
- What is it? - [ Teddy ] The problem that- It's not a misunderstanding.
It's a problem, and it has to be discussed now.
Look, I don't want to pull a big star bit...
but people do come here because I'm...
well, some unique kind of personality, I suppose.
A bit far out, a bit freakish maybe, but -
- Far out. Okay. - Not a freak at all.
- Yeah, but freakish. - Straitlaced.
But - Freakish. But unique in my own way.
And when things go badly...
who gets the booing?
- I do. But when things go well... - [ Cosmo ] My music director-
they- they, they, they get the applause and all the cheers...
because they flash their tits.
- [ Woman ] Hey, no way! - [ Woman #2 ] Bullshit!
Let us be civil, ladies.
Now, Teddy. Teddy.
- [ Teddy Mutters ] - Everything takes work.
We'll straighten it out. You know.
You gotta work hard to be comfortable.
Yeah, a lot of people kid themselves, you know.
They-They know when they were born, they know where they're goin'...
they know whether they're gonna go to heaven, whether they're gonna go to hell.
They think they know that. They kid themselves.
Right?
But the only people...
who are, you know, happy...
are the people who are comfortable.
That's right.
Now, you take, uh, uh, Carol, right?
- [ Laughing ] - [ Woman ] Take her. Take Carol.
[ Imitating Carol ] ""Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.''
[ Woman ] Aw, no.
[ Cosmo ] A dingbat, right? A ding-a-ling.
A dingo.
That's what people think she is, 'cause that's the truth they want to believe.
But, uh, you put her in another situation, right?
Put her in a situation that's tough.
Stress. Where she's up against something, you'll see she's no fool.
- Right? - [ Woman ] A little silly, but no fool.
Right. 'Cause what's your truth... is my falsehood.
What's my falsehood is your truth and vice versa.
- [ Woman ] Do you have a Kleenex? - Right?
But let's let that go. That's too confusing.
I confused myself.
Now, let me see. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Well, look. Look at me, right?
I'm only happy when I'm angry...
when I'm sad, when I can play the fool...
when I can be what people want me to be rather than be myself.
- You understand? - [ Teddy ] Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And that takes work.
Gotta work overtime for that.
Yeah. Doesn't matter who you are or what personality you choose.
- [ Woman ] Come on, baby. Silly boy. - ""Come on, baby.'' Choose a personality.
- Get dressed. - Let's go down there and -
- I'll give you a rubdown after the show. - Right.
- We'll do a great show... - [ Woman ] Watch out.
we'll smile, we'll cry...
big, glistening tears that pour onto the stage...
and we'll make their lives a little happier, huh?
So they won't have to face themselves. They can pretend to be somebody else.
Be happy. Be joyous. Come on. You. Maestro.
- [ Tony ] Yes. - Give me the downbeat.
- The downbeat. - [ Tony Vocalizing Upbeat Tune ]
- Let's go. - [ Snapping Fingers Rhythmically ]
- [ Woman ] Come on. - [ Woman #2 ] Come on, Teddy. Get into it.
[ Vocalizing Continues ]
Come on. Snap those fingers.
Wars have come and wars have gone
History goes on and on
But ever since this world began
- [ All ] Love - Love not war has conquered man
Oh, I'm so in love. I'm so in love.
- Look at this. Could you believe this? - Great. Hey. Yeah.
This lovely man gave it to me. Isn't it beautiful?
- Go, Sherry. - Ho, ho, ho, ho. You're lovely without that little ring, my love.
[ Cosmo ] All right. Keep it up. No fooling around. Let's do it clean.
- Come on. Keep going, Tony. - Okay.
Come on.
[ Women Chattering ]
[ Tony ] Caesar fought to gain control
- Good. Good. - Worldly wealth was Caesar's goal
But then Cleo played her hand
And love conquered just as planned
[ Trumpet Flourish, Drumroll ]
How many mothers in the house? Let me hear it.
- [ Man ] Five. - [ Woman ] Three.
Ah, we got some mothers in the house.
Mothers who love their children.
- [ Clapping Rhythmically ] - Got sons who love their daughters.
- What a pain in the ass. - [ Laughing ]
[ Trumpet Flourish ]
Give me a spot!
Give me a spot.
Ah. Right here.
- [ Weak Applause ] - Is that all?
- [ Applause ] - Let me hear it.
Nice.
That's better.
My name, if you don't know it by now, is Cosmo Vittelli.
- [ Man ] Come on. Bring 'em out. - And I own this joint.
[ Man #2 ] You got a lot of nerve.
[ Applause ]
You know, uh, they say everything is sex.
Uh, sex is everything.
Here at the Crazy Horse West...
- we give you a lot more than that. - [ Applause ]
- [ Man ] I'm dyin'. - That's right.
And because of your patience, we're gonna start off by buying every one of you a drink.
[ Cheering ]
Put a spotlight on Sonny.
Put a spotlight on Son- Sonny Venice, ladies and gentlemen.
Our bartender. Give him some love, huh?
- [ No Audible Dialogue ] - [ Man ] Yea, Sonny!
-And we have- we have Andie with us. -[ Man ] Big spender.
She's gonna be with us tonight in the show. Andie.
[ Cheering ]
Sonny Venice.
Love to say that name.
Beautiful name.
And, uh...
the girls that help him here...
are beautiful girls.
Love to take care of people. We have, uh, Rita here. Rita.
[ Applause ]
Rita,you got a drink there?
Let me have that.
- [ Man ] Now what? Come on. - And we have, uh, Virginia. Where's Virginia?
- There she is. - [ Applause ]
[ Man ] Come on.
Eileen. Eileen.
[ Applause ]
- [ Man ] Where's the girls? - Oh.
Well, I think I should explain why we're a little late. One of our-
- Where's Rachel? - Where are the other girls?
Well, that's it. One of our girls left.
No longer with us.
Uh, Rachel, as a matter of fact.
Gone on to bigger and better things.
Uh...
she was a black girl.
Black and beautiful.
And I loved her.
And I drink to her.
Now, uh...
Mr. Sophistication...
and his De-Lovelies...
are not gonna take you to Asia.
They're not gonna take you to Europe.
They're not gonna take you to South America.
We're gonna introduce a new number tonight.
He's gonna take you on a whole new trip.
And l know you're gonna enjoy it. It's a new number written by our musical director.
Talented guy.
Tony Maggio.
And, uh -
Uh, with any luck, uh...
Mr. Sophistication and his De-Lovelies will be walking down those stairs right now.
Let's give him a big hand - Mr. Sophistication, ladies and gentlemen.
[ Applause ]
Mr. Sophistication, ladies and gentlemen.
Well, uh, as you can see, they're prettier than I am.
I'll get off the stage. Enjoy the show.
[ Applause ]
[ Teddy ] Well, uh, better late than never, n'est-ce pas?
Even at this hour of the night.
I'd like a-a follow spot on Cosmo...
and a larger, greater hand for our padrone.
Because he's not only a great nightclub owner-
- [ Applause ] - Quiet. Wait. Wait.
But he also - he also practices...
the best thing there is in this world -
to be comfortable.
Enjoy yourself.
[ Margo ] And now, ladies and gentlemen...
for the very first time tonight right here on this stage...
the Crazy Horse West is pleased and proud to present to you tonight...
our musical director, Mr. Tony "Daggio."
- [ Woman ] Yea! - [ Cheering ]
[ Rhythmic Clapping ]
We can't give you anything but love
Baby
- That's the only thing we've plenty of - [ Audience Clapping Rhythmically ]
Baby
Dream awhile Grovel for it. Grovel.
Scheme awhile
- You're sure to find - [ Man ] Take it off.
Happiness great success
All the things you've always whined for
Gee, we'd like to see
You lookin' swell
Baby
Dolled up, dressed up
Raising Cain and hell
Baby
Till that lucky day
You know damn well
Baby
I can't give you anything but
Nothing in this great big world but
I can't give you anything but
Love, love, love
Hot love
Love, love, love Hot love
I can't give you autre chose
- But love - [ Man ] Take it off.
Whoo! You're hot! You're hot! Whoo!
[ Audience Laughing ]
- [ Applause, Whistling ] - [ Man ] Hey, hey!
[ Man ] More!
- I can't give you anything but love - [ Man ] Yeah!
Baby
- That's the only thing I've plenty of - Give us some fire!
Baby
Dream awhile Scheme awhile
- [ Whistle Blowing ] - You're sure to find
Happiness and I guess
- All the things you've always pined for - [ Whistle Blows ]
- [ Man ] Come on. - Gee, I'd like to see you lookin'swell
Baby
- Diamond bracelets Woolworth's doesn't sell - [ Cheering ]
Baby
Till that lucky day you know darn well
Baby
- I can't give you anything but -[ Rhythmic Clapping ]
Nothing in this great big world but
- I can't give you anything but love - I can't give you anything but love
Love, love, sweet love
- [ Cosmo ] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. - [ Loud Cheering ]
Where are you?
You're at the Crazy Horse West!
- Anything but - [ Cosmo ] Hi, ho, Silver, away!
Love
[ Cosmo ] Ladies and gentlemen...
Crazy Horse West is proud to present...
- Mr. Sophistication... - [ Cheering ]
and his De-Lovelies.
Let's give 'em a big hand.
[ Man ] Come on back. Come on, Teddy. Come on.
- [ Woman ] Come on, baby. - Call him back.
[ Woman ] Listen, ladies and gentlemen.
He thinks we don't love him, but we really do.